Falling Apart
by MaryxMassacre
Summary: Bella is more broken and scarred than anyone could ever know. The death of her mother and painful memories have taken their toll on her and she’s found her own ways to cope; an eating disorder and the edge of a blade. FULL SUMMARY INSIDE, sorry xD
1. Chapter 1

Rated T for eating disorders and possible self harm.

Bella is more broken and scarred than anyone could ever know. The death of her mother and painful memories have taken their toll on her and she's found her own ways to cope; an eating disorder and the edge of a blade. When she moves to Forks, she meets Edward. As the two grow closer and closer will Edward discover her dark secrets? Can he save her, or is Bella beyond healing?

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_I can't remember,_

_The last time I've seen my own eyes…_

_Or the color of my skin,_

_Do you know what it's like to feel ugly all the time?_

_**-Waltz Moore ; From First To Last -**_

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**Chapter One - The Last Nail in the Coffin**

"_Ring around the Rosie, pockets full of posy – ashes, ashes, we all fall down!"_

I looked up at the sound of their voices. Three small children were twirling in circles giggling uncontrollably. I watched as they repeated the verse once more, falling backwards onto the grass. A woman sat near them, on the other park bench, gazing at them like I did. Their mother.

_Mother. _I thought to myself. I felt a spasm of pain shoot through me at the word and looked away from the group.

It had only been a few weeks since the fire, just a few weeks since the funeral. I still felt like I had had the wind knocked out of me every time something reminded me of her.

The night of the fire, I hadn't been with my mother. I should have been, I was supposed to be, but I wasn't. For the first time, I had been invited to a party, by a girl I met at school. After Renee had refused to let me go, I had transformed into the rebellious teenager I had never been known to be. I had snuck out, leaving my mother alone when she most needed me, when the flames consumed our house.

I was so ashamed. How could I have chosen that night to leave her? And for a party for gods sakes. A stupid fricking high school party.

I felt the bile rise in my throat, but pushed it back down. How could I have done that?

The small truthful voice in my mind spoke up.

_You are right Bella. How could you? She was your mother. The one who cared about you most and you left her alone._

No…no, I didn't know. I wouldn't have left if I had known that would happen…

_But you did leave, Bella. You disgusting little freak. You. Left. Her. You left her to die while you were out getting drunk and flirting with college boys at that party, you sick whore._

The tears were welling up in my eyes now. I was always fighting with my personal demons, but the worst part was, my demons were always right. I had left her, whether I had known or not, I had left her and that was unforgivable.

This time when I felt the bile rising up I didn't fight it. I sprang up from the park bench, and sprinted away from the people surrounding me. The voice continued to scream as I ran, not stopping until I was far into the trees surrounding the play area. Too far away for anyone to hear me. I knelt in the grass and let the acidic taste fill my mouth, vomiting into the grass.

The voice was silent. I breathed out a shaky breath. I only knew a few ways to silence the voice that screamed my unworthiness. I calmed it with hunger most of the time, occasionally eating until I was full and forcing the food back up.

Other times I subdued it with a razor. As the voice in my head yelled and memories swirled back to meet me, I quieted them with the bite of the blade against my skin.

Some might call it crazy, but I call it necessary. I should have been killed that night but I wasn't. As far as I was concerned these were the only things that could ever help to pay for what I had done, although they would never be able to justify it even slightly.

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**//A.N. Oh shnap. It's another Twilight Fan Fic! Reviews would be awesome but I'm not stupid enough to expect a lot. Constructive criticism is always welcome but please don't be hateful. //Just to clear things up ('cause I know I suck at explaining things) Bella **isn't **schizophrenic it's just…her conscience? I dunno. In my mind when I wrote this she blames herself and the guilt she feels is leading her to self harm.//**

**So should I continue it or no…? I know this chapter was short, I just don't know if I'm going to write more yet.**

**muchas gracias :3**

**-Mary**


	2. Chapter 2

"…6 dead in school shooting..."

Flip.

"…breaking news!"-

Flip.

"…being arraigned for fraud - "

Flip. Flip. Flip.

"– Defendant found guilty on two counts of …"-

Flip.

"4 Olympia teenagers caught in drug-bust! This is Beverly Walters reporting –"

Flip. Flip.

"Mr. woozy the swell octopus! Any child's best friend! Order now for a payment of only $19.95! And remember, stay swell!"

I blinked, confused, and looked up from my book to the television screen. After all the stories about crimes and killings that I had heard this was pretty unexpected. I studied the television screen. A cheery looking man stood holding a stuffed purple octopus. He grinned out of the screen, squeezed one of the octopus's tentacles, and I listened as 'Mr. Woozy' declared "Now _that's _swell!"

I stared. What the hell? Kids toys are getting kind of scary.

Charlie, who was sitting on the couch watching television, or rather channel surfing, snorted. I glanced over from my squashy armchair and saw him watching me, looking amused. I hadn't realized I was still staring at that damn commercial, I probably looked ridiculously engrossed in 'Mr. Woozy: The swell octopus!'

"You want a Mr. Woozy? Only $19.95. Now, that's a _swell _deal." He chuckled.

"Thanks, but somehow I think I'll pass." I laughed. I opened my book back up and continued to read as Charlie picked up the remote again.

Flip.

Flip. Flip. Flip.

"SCOOORRREEE!"

I sighed. A sports game. Well, at least it would keep Charlie from channel surfing. On the downside I would never be able to concentrate on reading if I kept hearing the announcer yelling.

I pushed myself up from the armchair and Charlie's cheek.

"I think I'll go to bed now, Dad."

"It's only 8:30, Bells!" he groaned, giving me the '_your-so-strange-sometimes _look' I was completely used to.

"I know. I just want to get enough sleep. I start school tomorrow."

"Oh..right..right.." he said. He was focused on the television screen again, barely paying attention now. "'Night, Bells."

I muttered a "G'night" and fled up the stairs into my room. I closed the door behind myself, locking it. I leaned against my wall and sunk to the floor, putting my head between my knees. I had a headache from hell and I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about tomorrow. School. Oh God.

I hadn't been popular in elementary school. Not in middle school. Not in junior high, and certainly never in high school. I had no reason to expect to even make friends tomorrow. I was nearly fully convinced I would be spending the rest of my school years alone. An outcast. A freak surrounded by normal people. The ugliest duckling of all shoved in with a group of swans.

_It's simply what you are, Bella. A freak. An _ugly _freak._

I knew it was true.

_I wonder, what your mother would have said. Would she perhaps have comforted you? Consoled you, telling you that you would make friends? That everyone would love you? It's a lovely thought, isn't it, Bella?_

I tried my hardest to ignore the voice filling my ears but it continued speaking.

_What a shame she's gone. What a shame you let her die._

Tears were coming now. Always. Always it knew just was to say to snap things back into perspective. To remind me how worthless I was.

_Freak._

_Freak._

_Freak._

_FREAK._

_**Stupid. Worthless. Freak.**_

I couldn't take it anymore. I stumbled across my bedroom and fumbled through my desk drawer until I found it. The cold, metal razor blade.

'Freak' was still echoing in my brain, growing louder every second. I concentrated only on the blade I held in my hand, trying desperately to block out the horrible, but true word.

_**Freak – **_

I _was _a freak. I _was _a freak and a loser and ugly and a bitch and every other term the voice ever threw at me.

My hand shook as I brought the sharp metal closer to the delicate skin of my forearm. I gritted my teeth, biting back fear and sadness that welled inside me, and drew the blade against my skin. The pain, my antidote, seeped over me just like the red blood that blossomed on my arm. I concentrated only on that. The pain. The horrible, and wonderful pain.

The voice's chanting grew quieter as I cut again, until it finally stopped.

I wiped away tears that had formed and got up, digging through a drawer in my dresser until I found an old rag. I held it against my arm until the bleeding subsided.

The voice had left for now, but still I remembered the word. The word that described me so completely.

Freak.

I sighed. I would never be anything else, only a freak, and tomorrow would be no different. I would be the new freak at Forks High School.

**//A.N. Sooooooo. I simply **_**had **_**to write s'more. I would really like some reviews *hopeful face*. I'm really happy though, thank you to everyone who reviewed/favorited/ or put my story on their alerts. That means a lot to me to know people actually like my writing//**

**Muchas gracias & you guys rock ******

**-Mary:]**


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